I’m writing this way before I’ll publish it, in fact it may never see the light of day, but I’ve found it’s important to write these moments down so I can remember in the future how it felt.
So here we are, my man is unwell.
He’s had a lump in his neck for a couple of months that the Doctors’s have argued over and discussed at great length what they think it is from cancer to auto immune disease to cancer to calcium stones to cancer and round the houses. They have finally made the grand decision that they haven’t got a ruddy clue what it is, which as you can imagine gives me great confidence in their abilities!
The plan is to remove it for further investigation, as despite the last definite answer that is NOT cancer, it might now be and they are a touch concerned. So in over night for removal and drains and then more tests and if necessary further treatment at Cambridge or Chelmsford.
But what am I supposed to feel right now? Fear about the outcome, anger at the buggering about from the health professionals, concern for his mental wellbeing. I just don’t know.
As an ex-NHS employee I have always had a soft spot for the staff and particularly for ‘my’ hospital. But since we lost my mum I find that I have little if any faith in the system and the thought of a loved one being admitted to hospital turns my stomach.
I can’t seem to shake the thoughts of the worst case scenario outcome. I haven’t given up on him at all, but I don’t need to imagine how it will be if all is well, it will continue as it has for the last 22 years. We’ll bumble along together getting it a bit wrong, and tripping up occasionally but generally getting on and laughing at the world in our own way, although i will certainly appreciate him more!
I have to be the support for my darling as he faces this horrific time ahead. I know he’s as scared as it is possible to be but also that he is trying his damnedest to be strong and support me though my hospital phobic behaviour! I have to be positive when he is down and support him through any treatment he may have to have. I have to anticipate his mood and deal with the fallout from the grumpy old sod I live with most of the time. He is determined that it shouldn’t grind everything to a standstill and life must go on as normal, is that even possible?
But how will it be if I loose him? What will my life be like without him here? IWill I be able to even get out of bed in the mornings? Who will laugh at my jokes? There will be no-one to talk over my day with, no-one with the same frame of reference for life as me. Will I be able to pass a whole day without crying? What about everything in the loft? I don’t do ladders and only he knows where everything is up there!
These and many more thoughts race through my mind most of the time I’m awake. But of course I’m also a mum so I have to get up and get on and smile through it all being the strong one for my babies as they deal with what is to come.
There you go thats how my brain was whirring away 3 weeks ago. Since then we’ve had the surgery, stayed in over night and come home and today – the best bit of all – a phone call from the surgeon – and….. IT’S ALL CLEAR! NO CANCER CELLS!!!! so we can dance around the living room and sing and shout and move on with a future and plan things to do with our summer and next year and the year after and we don’t have to hold our breath any more! Now maybe we’ll sleep a whole night through and maybe the sun will keep shining
So to those of you who have supported us and help our hands whilst we waited – thank you!
To those of you we have snapped at, grumped at and ignored – we’re sorry but now you know why we’ve been a bit off colour and we promise to make up for it in the future!