I become increasingly more grumpy in my old age and have devised a plan for how I would run public transport if the powers that be would give me the chance – it is for everyones benefit I promise!
Following a crowded tube journey into London yesterday I have come to the decision that there should be a selection of carriages where you sit according to a series of criteria. Nothing to do with race or religion just my sanity and the comfort of others!
So these groups of people would get a coach for themselves as a group :-
1. Women coated in the smell of cheap nasty perfume and fake tan – I really don’t need to have my nose assaulted by the smell of the supermarket brand perfume you use to mask the smell of you smoking! And girls nothing that smells as bad as Poundland fake tan, can possible be doing your skin any good at all! You smell god awful, your skin is wilting under the weight of the tan and foundation and the tide mark round your chin makes you look like a dirty cheesy whatist! Seriously!
2. Alpha males who strut and push out their pigeon chests and admire themselves in the window. You’re really not that sexy love! No one else is looking at you with anything other than contempt and pity! You don’t need to slouch in your seat with your legs so far apart – your balls are not that big! Do the world a favour – sit up straight so there is leg room for other people, stop admiring your reflection and reign the testosterone in a little – you’re no Brad Pitt.
3. People with excessively noisy headphones. Sweetie I realise you love your music, we all have favourites and love to shut out the world for a while whiles we wake on the commute to work or try and forget a hideous day on the journey home. Put I don’t want to hear it through your cheap headphones. The incessant tinny percussion from you is like someones finger nails down a blackboard! Turn it down for gods sake! save your hearing for later life – and give me a break from that crap you call music!
4. The holder of the large suitcase who thinks his luggage had more right to a seat than you do. You know the sort – the big wheeled suitcase, badly controlled without a look behind him to see if there’s a problem. And when he runs over your foot, or barks your shins with it has the nerve to tut as though you did it on purpose. And then on a crowded train puts his case in front of the only spare seat – which is next to him – and buries his head in a book so he can’t make eye contact and be asked to move it!
6. And quiet well mannered ladies of a certain age who just want to get to their destination without all the crap. You know….like me!
Can you tell how much I love traveling in London?
Image courtesy of [feelart] / FreeDigitalPhotos.net